Updates

I realized that I never really update this blog with actual information about my treatment.

Today I have an off day. That means no chair, no meds, no time off from work. But it is also a nice little break. My body doesn't get beat up, I have a bit of time to recover and not feel so run down.

I will pretty much be getting weekly treatment until June. Sometimes it is one drug, sometimes it is two, every three weeks or so I usually get all three.

The chemo drug, Taxol, is the one that I feel the most side-effects from. It keeps me up at night, it makes my face flushed the next day,and it needs to be coupled with a steroid that makes me hungry. One girl (and I say girl because she is about 10 years younger than me) who is going through treatment told me that the Dr. said you can gain up to 25lbs. on Taxol. I am thinking about wiring shut my jaw. I am all for getting proper nutrition but I do not want to show up in swimsuit season with a crewcut and an extra 25 lbs. attached. The kids are really into getting in the water now and my husband refuses to step foot in the LI Sound, so it is pretty much me in there. Ugh.

The other two drugs that I am on are targeted for the HER2+ breast cancer. I will continue getting them both every three weeks after June for who knows how long. But I will continue to take them because they are part of the long-term treatment of this disease and because they seem to be working and I am all about things working.

I will say that there appears to be a bit of a silver lining on the hair front. I haven't actually gone full-on Daddy Warbucks bald. In fact, my hair seems to be growing back.

I went from the GI Jane phase and am transitioning from the butch lesbian/English soccer hooligan phase into the 13-year-old Asian boy stage right now. I asked the nurse if this was OK. I mean, one of the big side-effects of Taxol is hair loss and even though my hair was coming out in clumps maybe I was premature to shave it all down. Maybe I could have gone with a pixie cut? I am pretty sure I will never be described as "gamine" like the Hollywood starlets who have embraced the pixie hairdo but it would have been a little less dramatic than taking it all off.

I was worried that because the hair was growing back that it meant the drug wasn't working. The nurse assured me that it was just because of the way my body metabolizes the drug. I will take that as a bit of good news. Hopefully, once June hits I won't have to wear the wig anymore.

I know a lot of people want to know how I feel, and in all honesty, I feel OK. I do get tired. I hit a wall every day where I just feel like I have had enough and need my bed, but I am not knocked out completely. I still get up with the kids. I still occasionally vacuum. I still go to work every day and still make it to the grocery store. I am lacking in energy and it isn't always easy, but I see how far I have come already and I know that if I keep going I am going to make it through.

So for now I just move forward. I will go to treatment and keep hoping the drugs continue to work and I will try my hardest to keep you all updated.

On Giving Up

I gave up cancer for Lent.

I am pretty sure I can get some sort of special dispensation, but I decided to just let it go.

I am giving up the worry.

I am giving up the insomnia, the feeling of insurmountably, the burden of it all.

I am giving up the ache in my bones, the cracked nails and skin.

I am giving up the indignity of my body breaking down.

I am giving up the itchy wig, the scarves, the head coverings.

I am giving up feeling defined by it, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry and sad and stuck.

I am giving up just managing to get by.

I am giving it up, out to the universe to deal with and struggle with every day instead of me.

I won't give up the treatment. I will still sit in that chair every week while the meds pump through my veins, I will still do as much as I can to battle this disease but I won't be in some sort of holding pattern until treatment stops, until this all melts away. I will give up the weight of it, the heavy load, the unimaginable fear and I will live through it. I will live my life. I am pretty sure it will be easier than giving up chocolate. 

On Washing Wigs and Looking Good

On Washing Wigs

When washing a wig you should probably pay close attention to detail and maybe be focused on the task at hand. For example, when the instructions say fill the sink with cold water, drop in a capful of shampoo, agitate the hair for a minute or two and let soak for five minutes before rinsing off, you probably shouldn't leave the wig in there for let's say roughly 35 minutes while you try and get the kids to bed and find yourself sitting on the couch watching an episode of "Tattoo Nightmares" before rescuing your wig, which now looks like a wet piece of roadkill.

Looking Good

I should probably wear makeup. I am a firm believer in looking good/feeling good, but it is hard when you have three kids and cancer. Last week I did attend the Look Good Feel Better session offered at the Breast Center. I was actually excited to go. Not only would I be getting some freebies but the entire group would be made up of breast cancer patients.

I haven't been too social in the chemo room and I was interested to be among a group of women who were all battling the same thing.  It was a wide-range of ages and wig choices. There were some who felt that the homemade t-shirt head wrap with a piece of lace and small button might work for them and there were others who maybe thought that if you weren't choosing a turban as a fashion headpiece before you were diagnosed with cancer than maybe you might not be too keen on wearing one after.

Anyway, I got a bag full of goodies. The woman who ran it was very adamant about making sure that we not share any of these products with anyone else. I wasn't sure how long that was going to last in my house. In fact germs are pretty much everywhere. As I sat there listening to how to apply foundation I got a call from the Lady's school saying that she vomited. I guess going out to lunch with my newly applied makeup and taking a moment or two to pamper myself wasn't going to happen. I was just hoping that we wouldn't have a repeat performance of last year's stomach bug.

I was lucky enough to be sitting toward the front of the room so the woman was able to use me to demonstrate a few things. The problem with this was that she only did one eye or one cheek and I was left to my own devices to figure out how to get the other side to look somewhat close to her work. Did I mention in this bag was liquid eyeliner? Look, I think I might be able to handle regular pencil liner but liquid eyeliner? You need a steady hand and perhaps a background in 80's hair bands. To say that my application was shaky would be an understatement.

When the makeup portion was done I had a full face on. Eyes, lips, cheeks you name it. Then the woman from the salon where I got my wig did a small presentation. She reminded us all to wash our wigs, "just agitate it for a minute or two before rinsing it off."

Um.

The good thing was that she was able to show me a trick or two on how to part this wig so it gave me a few options and didn't make me feel so insecure about wearing it.

With that I was off to tend to the Lady who was feeling much better after her little puking incident and who was very interested in the contents of my new makeup bag. Since I knew I wouldn't get away without sharing any of the contents with the Ladies I let them have the liquid eyeliner, the lip gloss and the very neutral beige eyeshadow.

The Lady wasn't much better than her mother at applying liquid eyeliner. She ended up looking like the guy from A Clockwork Orange. And even after multiple attempts at me trying to remove said liquid eyeliner from beneath her lashes, I am pretty sure I sent her to school yesterday with a bit of it still on.

I am happy to report that the rest of the stuff is mine (and currently germ-free). Who knows maybe one day I will actually take the time to apply more than the moisturizer.