To a New Year

It's been over a year.

It's been over a year since diagnosis, since the fear and the confusion of last fall.

It has been a year since I shaved my head.

I am still standing. My hair is growing. I have two perky boobs thanks to the final reconstruction surgery that had to be moved up after two not so comfortable infections.

I feel more like myself, but the definition of me has changed.

Things seem good right now. I feel good. People tell me I look good, although I am totally rocking some sort of 70's mom hair with a flip in the back and some serious feathering on the side.

I have more energy and continue to do all those things I did over the past year, grocery shop, work, pick up at gymnastics. I have tried to think less about framing my life in the context of cancer and just enjoy the life going on around me but everything is just a little bit tainted because my timeline has changed.

I am trying to plan ahead without worry, without the anxiety that comes with the what if?

There have been bumps on this road. There have been scans and more scans, there have been tweaks to medication and treatments. There are side effects, minimal in the scheme of things, but enough to impact my days. There have been days that are entirely too dark that have left me at times feeling unsure and afraid.

There are also good days. Days where I play with the kids, laugh out loud, and days that seem so mundane and ordinary that I can almost forget. Almost.

So there is nothing left to do but live.

I am planning vacations for the summer. I am signing QT up for nursery school in the fall. I am believing with all my heart that this year will bring with it some changes that are a long time coming and that will enable me to live the life I've imagined with the people that I love for a very long time.