To a New Year

It's been over a year.

It's been over a year since diagnosis, since the fear and the confusion of last fall.

It has been a year since I shaved my head.

I am still standing. My hair is growing. I have two perky boobs thanks to the final reconstruction surgery that had to be moved up after two not so comfortable infections.

I feel more like myself, but the definition of me has changed.

Things seem good right now. I feel good. People tell me I look good, although I am totally rocking some sort of 70's mom hair with a flip in the back and some serious feathering on the side.

I have more energy and continue to do all those things I did over the past year, grocery shop, work, pick up at gymnastics. I have tried to think less about framing my life in the context of cancer and just enjoy the life going on around me but everything is just a little bit tainted because my timeline has changed.

I am trying to plan ahead without worry, without the anxiety that comes with the what if?

There have been bumps on this road. There have been scans and more scans, there have been tweaks to medication and treatments. There are side effects, minimal in the scheme of things, but enough to impact my days. There have been days that are entirely too dark that have left me at times feeling unsure and afraid.

There are also good days. Days where I play with the kids, laugh out loud, and days that seem so mundane and ordinary that I can almost forget. Almost.

So there is nothing left to do but live.

I am planning vacations for the summer. I am signing QT up for nursery school in the fall. I am believing with all my heart that this year will bring with it some changes that are a long time coming and that will enable me to live the life I've imagined with the people that I love for a very long time.

On Washing Wigs and Looking Good

On Washing Wigs

When washing a wig you should probably pay close attention to detail and maybe be focused on the task at hand. For example, when the instructions say fill the sink with cold water, drop in a capful of shampoo, agitate the hair for a minute or two and let soak for five minutes before rinsing off, you probably shouldn't leave the wig in there for let's say roughly 35 minutes while you try and get the kids to bed and find yourself sitting on the couch watching an episode of "Tattoo Nightmares" before rescuing your wig, which now looks like a wet piece of roadkill.

Looking Good

I should probably wear makeup. I am a firm believer in looking good/feeling good, but it is hard when you have three kids and cancer. Last week I did attend the Look Good Feel Better session offered at the Breast Center. I was actually excited to go. Not only would I be getting some freebies but the entire group would be made up of breast cancer patients.

I haven't been too social in the chemo room and I was interested to be among a group of women who were all battling the same thing.  It was a wide-range of ages and wig choices. There were some who felt that the homemade t-shirt head wrap with a piece of lace and small button might work for them and there were others who maybe thought that if you weren't choosing a turban as a fashion headpiece before you were diagnosed with cancer than maybe you might not be too keen on wearing one after.

Anyway, I got a bag full of goodies. The woman who ran it was very adamant about making sure that we not share any of these products with anyone else. I wasn't sure how long that was going to last in my house. In fact germs are pretty much everywhere. As I sat there listening to how to apply foundation I got a call from the Lady's school saying that she vomited. I guess going out to lunch with my newly applied makeup and taking a moment or two to pamper myself wasn't going to happen. I was just hoping that we wouldn't have a repeat performance of last year's stomach bug.

I was lucky enough to be sitting toward the front of the room so the woman was able to use me to demonstrate a few things. The problem with this was that she only did one eye or one cheek and I was left to my own devices to figure out how to get the other side to look somewhat close to her work. Did I mention in this bag was liquid eyeliner? Look, I think I might be able to handle regular pencil liner but liquid eyeliner? You need a steady hand and perhaps a background in 80's hair bands. To say that my application was shaky would be an understatement.

When the makeup portion was done I had a full face on. Eyes, lips, cheeks you name it. Then the woman from the salon where I got my wig did a small presentation. She reminded us all to wash our wigs, "just agitate it for a minute or two before rinsing it off."

Um.

The good thing was that she was able to show me a trick or two on how to part this wig so it gave me a few options and didn't make me feel so insecure about wearing it.

With that I was off to tend to the Lady who was feeling much better after her little puking incident and who was very interested in the contents of my new makeup bag. Since I knew I wouldn't get away without sharing any of the contents with the Ladies I let them have the liquid eyeliner, the lip gloss and the very neutral beige eyeshadow.

The Lady wasn't much better than her mother at applying liquid eyeliner. She ended up looking like the guy from A Clockwork Orange. And even after multiple attempts at me trying to remove said liquid eyeliner from beneath her lashes, I am pretty sure I sent her to school yesterday with a bit of it still on.

I am happy to report that the rest of the stuff is mine (and currently germ-free). Who knows maybe one day I will actually take the time to apply more than the moisturizer.