Updates

I realized that I never really update this blog with actual information about my treatment.

Today I have an off day. That means no chair, no meds, no time off from work. But it is also a nice little break. My body doesn't get beat up, I have a bit of time to recover and not feel so run down.

I will pretty much be getting weekly treatment until June. Sometimes it is one drug, sometimes it is two, every three weeks or so I usually get all three.

The chemo drug, Taxol, is the one that I feel the most side-effects from. It keeps me up at night, it makes my face flushed the next day,and it needs to be coupled with a steroid that makes me hungry. One girl (and I say girl because she is about 10 years younger than me) who is going through treatment told me that the Dr. said you can gain up to 25lbs. on Taxol. I am thinking about wiring shut my jaw. I am all for getting proper nutrition but I do not want to show up in swimsuit season with a crewcut and an extra 25 lbs. attached. The kids are really into getting in the water now and my husband refuses to step foot in the LI Sound, so it is pretty much me in there. Ugh.

The other two drugs that I am on are targeted for the HER2+ breast cancer. I will continue getting them both every three weeks after June for who knows how long. But I will continue to take them because they are part of the long-term treatment of this disease and because they seem to be working and I am all about things working.

I will say that there appears to be a bit of a silver lining on the hair front. I haven't actually gone full-on Daddy Warbucks bald. In fact, my hair seems to be growing back.

I went from the GI Jane phase and am transitioning from the butch lesbian/English soccer hooligan phase into the 13-year-old Asian boy stage right now. I asked the nurse if this was OK. I mean, one of the big side-effects of Taxol is hair loss and even though my hair was coming out in clumps maybe I was premature to shave it all down. Maybe I could have gone with a pixie cut? I am pretty sure I will never be described as "gamine" like the Hollywood starlets who have embraced the pixie hairdo but it would have been a little less dramatic than taking it all off.

I was worried that because the hair was growing back that it meant the drug wasn't working. The nurse assured me that it was just because of the way my body metabolizes the drug. I will take that as a bit of good news. Hopefully, once June hits I won't have to wear the wig anymore.

I know a lot of people want to know how I feel, and in all honesty, I feel OK. I do get tired. I hit a wall every day where I just feel like I have had enough and need my bed, but I am not knocked out completely. I still get up with the kids. I still occasionally vacuum. I still go to work every day and still make it to the grocery store. I am lacking in energy and it isn't always easy, but I see how far I have come already and I know that if I keep going I am going to make it through.

So for now I just move forward. I will go to treatment and keep hoping the drugs continue to work and I will try my hardest to keep you all updated.

In Treatment

They finally just hooked up the last drug in my "cocktail." I have been here since 11:15, it is now almost 4.

Today is a long day.

I get all three drugs that make up my treatment, plus an anti-nausea drug, a steroid that is wholly responsible for the fact that I have not lost one single pound since this diagnosis. That is right, I am blaming the steroid, not the oreos, not the copious amounts of pretzel thins and never my good friend peanut M&Ms.

As much as I would rather be anywhere else than sitting in this chair, I have to admit there is a community here. I am getting to know the nurses, I am loving my social worker and fellow working mom, I am recognizing more patients, becoming comfortable in an environment I never wanted to be welcomed in.

I still sit in the second room, the smaller room, with less people and a bit more privacy. I am not interested in watching News 12 or Family Feud on the shared TV. But there is another thing, something that I never expected. I look forward to coming here.

At first I thought maybe it was because I didn't have to go to work. I will admit that might be part of it, but then it became more. An uninterrupted 2-4 hours where I can concentrate on myself, actually rest, read. Oh my god, I am reading again. Real books with chapters. Not one princess or Strawberry Shortcake in the mix.

I am spending actual quality time with my best friend. The only way we have to sit and chat without worrying about six kids is in the chemo chair.

I also come because it is the one thing that I can really do to make me better. I look forward to the needle in the port, the metallic taste of the meds in the back of my throat, the cocktail dripping in my veins. It is me being active even though I am just sitting here, draped in the fleece blanket made by a friend, wearing a knit hat sent by another. Waiting for it to work.